Horror Show

You people have no idea how fortunate you are that Jasper ate my camera. Had he not, the picture I would have posted this morning would have haunted you forever. If you don't have children, your reproductive organs would have shriveled up and died from fear. If you do have children, your reproductive organs would have been just fine, knowing as they do that all sorts of horrors can be lived through so long as its done in the service of someone you love.

Lucy is a lucky girl to have a mother who loves her.

I woke up this morning to the gentle sound of Lucy cooing over the monitor, so I quickly ran up the steps to get her before her sisters woke up.

I opened the door, and peered into the room quietly. Lucy was sitting on a foam chair (with non-removable fabric), naked except for her diaper. I tiptoed closer, trying to lure her out of the room before Abbie and Claire woke up, when I noticed that she had strange markings all over her body. Then I realized that the same markings were covering the chair she was sitting on. And the chair beside her. And her sheets. And the walls. And the plastic baby-doll crib.... And the marks were brown. A deep, dark brown, much like what I imagine the floors of hell must be covered in.

I should have seen this coming, right? I mean, who am I to think that I could breeze through five children without having one of them smear poop all over the place. The truth is, though, I really thought we would avoid that particular horror.

What I wanted to do was collapse on the floor and cry for a few hours.

What I actually did was lift Lucy up by her armpits (and if you think her armpits were a safe place to touch, think again) and carried her down to the tub, where she promptly soaked for a good long time. Then I drained the water, and she soaked some more. Then I hauled a bucket up the stairs and washed everything, and I do mean everything. Then I took bleach and bleached the heck out of all hard surfaces. Then I cursed the makers of non-removable covered foam chairs.

Then I told my husband that if he valued having a wife in the house, he would let me take a long shower before he left for work. Actually, I didn't say that. Chris sized up the situation on his own, and made the offer himself.

And now I share the joy with you. Aren't you glad I don't have a camera?